My brother stopped asking me for money

He asked twice last year. Both times I said yes, both times I made a face first — not on purpose, but I know I did, because he mentioned it the second time. He has not asked since. He got a second job instead, and when he told me about it he said it like a small victory over me, not over the money. I thought I wanted this. I remember being annoyed, doing the maths, telling a friend I was not a bank. And now he is proud of not needing me, and I cannot find the part of me that is relieved. What I actually wanted was for him to ask, and for it to be easy. Both. That was never on the table, I knew it, and I made the face anyway. I do not know how to say this to him without it sounding like an offer. Maybe it has to sound like an offer.

Closing noteClosed

I said it badly and it went fine. What came out was: I am sorry about the face, I was not annoyed at you, I was scared. He said he knew. Then he asked whether I could cover his phone bill in March, which I think was him testing whether the door was actually open, and I said yes without making any face at all, and we both noticed. He still has the second job. He likes it more than the first one. That part had nothing to do with me, which I am trying to let be true. Leaving this one open in case somebody is on the other side of it.

After the closing note

This thinking is closed. The author left the door open — if you have read this far, you can still say something.

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